Understand the Message as They Hear It

When we are involved in a conflict, we are always sending a message to the other party suggesting, implicitly or explicitly, that there is something else they ought to be doing. That suggestion is sometimes conveyed by a threat or warning of possible consequences if they don not do a particular thing, or by an offer or prediction of different consequences if the desired action is taken.

A useful way of figuring out what this message looks like to another party in a dispute is to examine three basic elements of our communication:

• A demand: What they hear us asking for.
• A threat: What they hear us threatening if our demand is not met.
• An offer: What they hear us offering if they meet our demand.