Each Difficult Conversation is Really Three Conversations

In studying hundreds of conversations of every kind we have discovered that there is an underlying structure to what’s going on, and understanding this structure, in itself, is a powerful first step in improving how we deal with these conversations. It turns out that no matter what the subject, our thoughts and feelings fall into the same three categories, or “conversations”. And each of these conversations we make predictable errors that distort our thoughts and feelings, and get us into trouble.

1.The “What Happened?” Conversation. Most difficult conversations involve disagreement about what ahs happened or what should happen. Who said what and who did that? Who’s right, who meant what, and who’s to blame? People tussle over these issues, both loud and internally. Does the chart need to be redone? Is he trying to intimidate me? Who should have caught the error?

2. The Feelings Conversation. Every difficult conversation also asks and answers questions about feelings. Are my feelings valid? Appropriate? Should I acknowledge or deny them, put them on the table or check them at the door? What should I do about the other person’s feelings? What if they are angry or hurt? Our thoughts are littered with feelings. For example, “This is the thanks I get?!” signals hurt and anger, and “I’m under tremendous pressure” reveals anxiety. These feelings are not addressed directly in the conversation, but they leak in anyway.

3. The Identity Conversation. This is a conversation we each have with ourselves about this situation means to us. We conduct an internal debate over whether this means we are competent or incompetent, a good person of bad, worthy of love or unlovable. What impact might it have on our self-image and self-esteem, our future and our well-being? Our answers to these questions determine in large part whether we feel “balanced” during the conversation, or whether we feel off-center and anxious.

Every difficult conversation involves grappling with these Three Conversations, so engaging successfully requires learning to operate effectively in each of the three realms. Managing all three simultaneously may seem hard, but it is easier than facing the consequences of engaging in difficult conversations blindly.

Source:

Stone, D., Patton, B. and Heen, S. 1999. Difficult conversations. New York, N.Y.: Viking.